Tag: soapbox

A Lack of Spirit

It’s not that I’m a grinch; I just don’t have that “holiday spirit” this year. I suppose it was inevitable. My daughter typically spends Christmas with her mother and I’m not all that much of a Christian (that’s a whole other story much too long for this post). So I usually find myself alone and occasionally visiting one of my parents for a few hours. It isn’t exactly an ideal situation to nurture joyous effervescence.

Add to this my ever-growing disgust at the blatant over commercialization of the holiday season and sooner or later you end up with a total lack of enthusiasm for the season. Nobody seems to remember the purpose of Christmas (or Winter Solstice or Yule or whatever else you happen to observe). I can tell you it has nothing to do with Black Friday or the receiving of things from others. It’s not even about the giving of things.

Every year stores push the “Christmas Season” on us earlier and earlier. I remember when I was younger that we didn’t see stores put out the Christmas stuff until after Thanksgiving. Now we see it out before Halloween has past. It’s become nothing more than a money grab for stores and a financial obligation to each other. This is not what it’s about and I’m really just tired of it all.

This holiday is a celebration. Depending on your particular beliefs, it can represent the birth of Christ or the continuation of life or a myriad of other joyful things that have nothing to do with buying things to give to people. Sure, gifts being exchanged are a part of many…perhaps even most of these traditions. But it was never meant to be the centerpiece of the holiday. At least, until the corporations got involved.

I won’t get into a big rant. It’s late and I have a family gathering I want to attend in a few hours. But I will say that regardless of your religious views and affiliation, please take some time to remember the real meaning of the season. Spend some time with your loved ones and just enjoy their company. Remind yourself that simple fellowship can be one of the most wonderful gifts you can give…or receive.

Happy Holidays to all of you and yours.

Women Are Frustrating

No, I don’t have a witty title for this post. I know that’s out of the ordinary. Yes, I am making a new post. I know that’s also out of the ordinary. But with the start of a new year and me having some time on my hands to contemplate life, the universe, and everything…I decided I needed to get a few things off my chest. Women in general have caused me more frustration than anything else in the past few years.

Let’s go back a few years. I met someone, started dating her, and she moved in with me. This all happened fairly quickly. It didn’t take long for her to alienate my friends and my friends are really important to me. She also spent a great deal of time unemployed so I was left to support the entire household on my less than stellar salary while still paying child support. Enter the wonderful world of ridiculous credit card debt. Eventually the relationship fell apart and she moved out, leaving me with an unholy amount of debt I could not pay.

After a while of being alone and working to get the debt into a situation that I could get out from under one day, I began dating someone I had a crush on back in junior high. She’s got a daughter and lived out of town and worked different hours than I did. With me having a daughter as well and with all of the other factors, finding time to be together was tricky. But we did it. It wasn’t as often as either of us would have liked, but the relationship was just starting and I was still feeling the sting of the last one. Everything was fine until she decided I must not love her because I obviously wasn’t trying hard enough to spend time with her. Never mind that I’m the one that was asking almost constantly when we could see each other next. Never mind that I was also the one that rearranged his schedule of things any time there was a glimmer of a chance we could spend some time together. These are actions of someone that doesn’t really love the person he’s with…or so I am to assume from the text message I received informing me the relationship was over.

Then for the last nine months or so I’ve been asking someone else out. I’ve known her for a while and she swears she really wants to date me. But in the last nine months we’ve managed to go out only…wait, we haven’t gone out at all. That’s right, she tells me she wants to really badly. I asked her out repeatedly and offered to do whatever was needed to make it happen. In nine months she has found exactly zero time to give me. Call me crazy but I think she did not quite tell the truth. Now I understand she’s got two children and being a single mom is a lot of work…but nine months…somewhere in the appriximately 6480 hours I’ve been asking her out, I think she could have found 2 or three consecutive hours to say ‘sure, let’s go get a burger or something’. But no, and now that I’ve brought it up to her, she won’t respond to me at all.

Over-arcing all of this is another that I would have wanted to date. We get along great together, like a lot of the same things, and enjoy being in each other’s company. We share a similar sense of humor and taste in movies and food. In short, someone on the outside looking in would (and has) assumed we were a couple because of how we are when we’re together. I’ve been her friend through several relationships (both mine and hers). How many times has she gone out with me? None. Not once. And she won’t. Now these days we do still hang out some and the desire to date her has long since been killed by the frustration. Yet somehow she still thinks everything I do is an angle to get her to date me. She can’t accept that I like to hang out with her because we have fun together. I think part of that is because I know her so well that I can pretty much tell her what she’s thinking just by looking at her. She thinks (if I’m not mistaken) that I’m merely telling her what she wants to hear so I can keep some grand master plan moving in the background that culminates in her finally agreeing to go out with me. I’m not nearly that devious. I’m flattered that someone would believe I’m capable of such subtle and complex plans when it comes to women, but no. I’m not nearly that good.

We won’t go into the awesome woman I dated a few times thanks to an online dating site that’s now married to a friend of mine. No, it isn’t as bad as it sounds because we were just friends and hanging out together when she and I met the guy she eventually married. But it’s just another tick in the list of weird experiences in dating that leave me single. I’ve grown frustrated with the whole thing and I’m almost to the point of believing that while there is someone for everyone, you can miss your chance…because I believe I missed mine at some point. I couldn’t tell you when I missed it or who it was I missed it with, but time is marching on and I’m still single. No this isn’t a big whining rant. It’s a vent of frustration from my dealings with the opposite sex. Is it really so hard to find someone with some similar interests willing to spend a few hours with you? I’m tired of being the best friend. I’m tired of being told I’m a really nice guy and I’m just the type of guy that women look for because if that was the case, I wouldn’t be writing this. Somebody is lying and it isn’t me. It only adds to the frustration and irritation. And if it isn’t lying, then stop avoiding me. It’s that simple.

I Cannot Call Myself A Frugalista

So if you have been following the saga of the “Frugalista” trademark silliness, then what I say here probably won’t surprise you. That is especially true if you are a frequent reader of my blog. This has irritated me and I feel I need to explain why.

Let’s start with the fact that the term frugalista (oh no…I didn’t use quotes!) is a common term for its market with a general meaning. This alone should be enough to warrant scrutiny over the trademark application. We aren’t even talking about people who claim to be the Frugalista (looky there…it’s capitalized and not in quotes…oh dear me) of a certain geographical area. This is actually a pretty common practice, not just in blogging but in journalism. You stake claim to a geographical location and name yourself the authority over some particular subject matter that you focus on. Well guess what, bucko…you aren’t peddling that name around here. Doing so will get you a nice fresh C&D from the lawyer of the git that thinks she can just rip a word journalists on pain of lawsuit.

That seems awful anti-Frugalista-ish (oh ho…now we’re getting fancy with changing up the word) to spend that kind of money on frivolous unenforceable crap. Perhaps Ms. Self Important should read some of the blogs and forums and general online media on the subject of frugality and being a Frugalista. (Have I earned my very own C&D yet? I’m certainly trying my hardest. After all…every letter costs money and the tool that thinks she can trademark such a broad and general term deserves any bill she gets.) Now I’m sure some of you are wondering how I could possibly get a C&D for simply writing about this fight in the Frugalista community. It’s simple, really. My previous post has the excerpt from the C&D sent to the Jackson Frugalista blogger that holds the key to my crusade. Apparently the law office declares in said letters that they expect you to cease any and all use of the term in any derivation on any type of online media. Shucks…I think I failed to comply with that.

And to add to this idiocracy would be the article in U.S. News where the lawyer directly contradicts the statement of the letter. Now tell me, Madame I-Trademark-Common-Terms, do you actually pay for this contradictory tripe? If not, then I applaud you not only for your ninja skills at being frugal (for these guys MUST be cheap), but also for the sheer amount of ignorance you managed to locate in such a tiny little place. If you don’t yet understand what I mean, allow me to show you.

This is from the C&D sent to the Jackson Frugalista blog owner:

Further, please let us have your prompt written assurance that you and any affiliated companies or individuals will promptly discontinue and refrain from the use of the term “FRUGALISTA” in any form or derivation in any online blogs or journals.

This is statement from the lawyer as reported by U.S. News:

McDowell emphasizes that other writers can still use the word “frugalista” in their stories ”which may seem obvious, given the fact that it is a commonly used word” but that they cannot identify themselves as a “frugalista.”

Call me craz…erm…Frugalista, but I don’t think this will hold up in court. Oh heck, I went and did it again. You know, If I keep this up someone might get the impression that I am trying to make a point with all the subtlety of a frag grenade to the face. It’s gotten me in trouble before and probably will again. I cannot, however, sit back and keep my mouth shut when I see something as blatantly stupid as this happening right before everyone’s eyes. This would be like Best Buy trying to trade mark the term “Geek” and saying that nobody could use said term in any online publication to refer to themselves because it “unfairly capitalizes on the goodwill and reputation embodied in our client’s use of the Mark”…not that anyone every accused the Geek Squad of being the recipient of goodwill or anything resembling a (good) reputation. Please, read the story at US News, read the letter and the response at Jackson Frugalista…and by all means boycott the stupid trademark lady’s blog until she apologizes to the internet for being a tool.

And before I forget…

I Am Not A Hypocritical Frugalista That Hates Freedom Of Speech.

I Don’t Own Words Like Frugalista

So the current viral story is the Jackson, Mississippi blogger being targeted by the Miami Herald for use of a word. That word…which will assuredly earn me a C&D of my very own…is “Frugalista”. I’m not opposed to branding. I also understand that if you have a trademark, you are required to defend it or you will lose it. I’m not even totally opposed to the idea of asking that the blog name be changed to avoid any confusion…silly though that is. That’s all fine and good. But the letter had this little tidbit:

Further, please let us have your prompt written assurance that you and any affiliated companies or individuals will promptly discontinue and refrain from the use of the term “FRUGALISTA” in any form or derivation in any online blogs or journals.

Let’s look at that for a moment. They want her to “refrain from the use of the term” not just in her blog title but “in any form or derivation in any online blogs or journals”. This means to comply with this order she can’t even say “I was reading The Frugalista Files” without being in violation. I think that’s a bit far. Being barred from using a WORD? It’s not even a word the trademark holder created. We’re not talking about Kleenex or Xerox here. We talking about someone that decided to use a word that is pretty generic and existed before she got into blogging and then trying to prevent the world from using it.

In that spirit, I am offering my feelings on this through my blog. Until the trademark is revoked as submitted, I will end all posts with the same line. And I dare you to C&D me…there’s no way my use is confusing to anyone.

I Am Not A Hypocritical Frugalista That Hates Freedom Of Speech.

Hashtags to Cash Bags

The first I heard of this marketing method was with Squarespace. Now I had already heard of this hosting company because I listen to several of the TWiT (no relation to Twitter…besides, TWiT was first) podcasts and they are an advertiser there. But then I caught wind of a marketing campaign they were kicking off…using Twitter. See, in the world of tweets there are things known as hashtags. What you do is put a hash mark in front of some tag-like keyword in your tweet. This makes it easy to find tweets about a certain subject. It’s also where the trending topics list comes from. What Squarespace was doing is picking a random tweet with the hashtag and awarding that person with a $199 Apple gift certificate. This was billed as the iPhone giveaway. They did one a day for the 30 days of June. It seemed to work pretty well.

This month it’s Moonfruit. They’re another hosting company, this time in the UK. They are giving away 10 13″ Macbook Pros. All you have to do is tweet with the hashtag during the contest duration. They are also giving away a couple of iPod Touches to the most creative tweets. Just like that, they’re all over the trending topics and getting face time with millions of users. Seems to me like this is smart marketing…but only for a short time. I cannot imagine it will take long for this to get really old with Twitter users and it will fall by the wayside. But I have to say, it does show some creative marketing and a brilliant way to leverage a new internet trend to your marketing advantage.

I won’t say this marketing technique is already dying, but I will say it has an extremely limited shelf-life. Things on the internet move fast. Marketing strategists have to move faster to keep up. Why? Because not all of their ideas are going to work. So they have to have time to try again before the crowds pass them by. I don’t know who first thought up the hashtag guerilla campaign, but he deserves a nice trip somewhere tropical for being ahead of the curve.

Tech Support – We’re People Too

Nobody likes calling tech support. There are droves of sites that recount horror stories of dealing with various companies and their failure to provide the help that is wanted and needed. This will probably never change. I, too, really try to avoid calling any tech support line as long as possible. I will beat Google’s search algorithm to a bloody pulp and turn my cable modem into a pile of molten goo in an attempt to fix a problem before I will pick up the phone a press a few numbers. Heck, I have a series of posts on this very blog recounting my experiences with Comcast support and they are not flattering to tech support (though the social media outreach team is a different story).

On the flip side of that coin, I am in tech support at the company I work for. I take the calls and do what I can to help. Having been on both sides of the fence, I think I can safely say that there are a few things you can do to give you much better chances to leave a support call satisfied. Now this may not work every time as every company and every support technician (or engineer or whatever the PC term is this week) are not equal. But the point here is by trying to adhere to a few common courtesies and being a little flexible can greatly increase the chances that you will have a pleasant experience when you pick up the phone to ask for help.

First and foremost, do not assume that you will be stonewalled or that your experience will be a bad one. This will put you in a negative frame of mind and that will come out during your conversation with the support rep. Job or not…that is a person on the other end and they don’t like being verbally abused or mistreated any more than you do. Try to remember that. It’s not an easy thing to accomplish since you are probably frustrated already with whatever problem has driven you to call in the first place but trust me, you don’t want to come off as belligerent.

Next, understand that your problem might be rare or unique in some way so it may take a little while to dig to the bottom of the cause. A good support rep is not going to just give you a quick answer and all but shove you off the call. I can tell you from personal experience that about 30% of the cases I deal with in any given day are unique in some form or fashion. This leads me to asking quite often for very basic information so I can be sure that I am thorough. After all, if you call back because the problem wasn’t as fixed as we thought it was because I missed something, you will, understandably, be less inclined to be patient or nice. Of course there is the exception of the other 70% of the cases I deal with. These are the things I see almost daily and can say with near absolute confidence what the solution is in fairly short order. Don’t confuse that answer with brushing you off. If you have doubts about which it is, then ask if it’s a common problem. I can’t speak for most companies but I can say that the one I work for values honesty with the customer.

Try to understand the support rep’s point of view because he or she is trying to understand yours. Our goal is to get your problem fixed. Our goal is to do it as quickly and as thoroughly as reasonably possible. We want you to get full use of your product/service and we know how frustrating it is when something you need isn’t doing what it is supposed to do. We honestly do understand. We don’t get calls because things are working great, which is fine because that’s the job. Again, I can’t speak for other places but at my job we do it because we like solving problems.

I don’t know how many people notice, but if you are on a support call and your rep engages you in idle conversation while fixing the problem, you will probably leave the call with a positive feeling towards the experience. The chatting about random things gives you a personal connection with the person on the other end of the phone. It doesn’t seem as mechanical and that has a profound effect on the overall experience. I bring this up because if you are feeling overly frustrated by your problem, try initiating some idle chat if the rep has not. This can diffuse the potential for a bad experience rather quickly. It does not mean we won’t take your problem seriously, but it does make the solution finding process more pleasant which makes time seem to pass more quickly. This is a good thing since nobody wants to be on the phone for a long time with support. Well, it usually doesn’t make the top 10 list of things to do at work at any rate.

What brought on this particular post? Oddly, it was not having a bad support call. I had a great one. A call came in mere minutes before quitting time and ran about an hour or so after quitting time. The caller had every right to be really upset about the situation but never once let it show. We had a nice chat while we worked through everything that was going on and tried some different methods to fixing the problem. When we finally exhausted everything I knew to try we finally had to admit defeat and get the replacement process started. Even then the caller was understanding and only stated a desire to get back up and running quickly. I went on and stayed a while after hanging up to make sure the replacement process was fully in motion (at least as far as I can take it) before finally shutting down my computer and heading home. I do this job because I like to solve problems and I like helping people. Being in support lets me do both. Calls like this make the job a real joy. And amazingly, most of the calls we get are nearly this good.

Just remember that you are dealing with a person on the other end of the phone. This person is here to do what they can to help. Try to be nice to them even if you are mad at the situation. At the very least, take a breath if you start venting and apologize. Everyone’s emotions get a little out of sorts from time to time. I called Comcast for the eleventy-hundredth time and ended up griping at the poor lady that answered my call for nearly three minutes. The moment I realized what I was doing, I stopped and took a deep breath. Then I apologized for taking it out on her and explained I was just very frustrated by the problem and she did not deserve that because she personally had been trying to help fix the problem. Even after all of that I would dare say we both left the call on a happy note.

A little courtesy can work wonders.

Hollywood Never Gets It

I am an otaku. For those that don’t recognize the term, it means someone obsessed with something. In American slang it means someone obsessed with things Japanese. I love the culture, the food, and anime. Anime really isn’t a cartoon in the normal American sense. I’ve covered that before. The stories are deeper and the characters are far more complex than anything you’ll find on a Saturday morning show. It is an art form. What does this have to do with Hollywood being stupid? They don’t understand.

The braniacs at the movie studios usually have the sense to leave Japanese creations and ideas alone. They don’t have the mental capacity to execute the complex stories. Hollywood is little more than a large copy machine these days recycling scripts from previously successful movies by running them through the “update it for current times” formula. This formula usually consists of having actors that are either currently popular or fit the “hot girl” or “pretty boy” stereotype thrown into some situation where a love interest can be mixed in. Add a few explosions and some CG and you have an instant movie. The Japanese concepts and storytelling will never fit such a mechanical formula. They tell rich stories that can give you much to talk about and ponder for weeks after having seen it.

Unfortunately, some headcase in Hollywood does get the occasional idea to take a Japanese story and rape it mercilessly in the hopes of making a quick buck. The latest atrocity is Dragonball: Evolution. I went to see this with the expectation that it would be the worst movie I’d ever seen. The Dragonball anime series is probably the greatest loved action series ever created. I don’t know who could have possibly thought that making this abortion was a good idea, but they should be put out of our misery immediately. To have this piece of filth dare to call itself by the name of Dragonball is probably the most offensive act America has committed this year.

Now I am not railing against the movie because it isn’t exactly like the anime. Nobody would expect any transition to the big screen to survive completely intact. But the only things they managed to get even close to right are the names. The story was terrible and really would not make sense to anyone that isn’t already a Dragonball fan. The characters were poorly cast. The wardrobe looks like rejects from the clearance rack at Wal-Mart…and the screenplay as a whole completely sucked. You would have thought that after Godzilla, somebody would have learned a lesson. Perhaps I expect to much of the American Movie Machine.

Why would you have a story about Goku and not include Krillin? They were best friends and stood by each other through every saga…through every series. At what point did it seem right not to have him there? I thought part of the formula would have included the best friend that has to be saved. And Bulma being fearless and wielding guns? If you were gonna do that, you should have called her Lunch. She better fit the character written in the script. And then there’s the nit-pick stuff like Gohan and Roshi teaching crane style…WTF? Roshi is the turtle hermit. He does not use crane style.

I could easily fill a book with all of the little things that were just plain wrong in the movie. But I think the fact that the Hannah Montana movie on average has 2 more stars in online ratings speaks volumes. And if at any point you think I’m making up how bad this movie is, see if you can find the scene of Goku summoning the dragon. I have never in all my life heard a more ridiculous line delivered so badly…ever…by anyone…at any age. That is not an exaggeration. I went to the movies with a friend that is also a Dragonball fan and we laughed so hard when this line was spoken that we thought we’d be kicked out of the theater. It really is like being smashed in the “dragonballs” with a hammer.

Do us all a favor, Hollywood. Keep your nose out of all things Japanese.

One Busch Gone, One Bush To Go

Well I heard on NPR that the Anheuser-Busch board accepted the latest offer from InBev. According to the San Francisco Chronicle, InBev “sweetened the offer” from $65 to $70 a share on the latest volley for the buyout. They’ve been pretty stagnant on the stock front for a couple of years now. InBev says it will keep the US breweries open and keep the US main office in St. Louis. Hey, we always knew they were a bunch of sellouts. This just confirms it. Not that the change is necessarily a bad thing…

UPDATE: Looks like the InBev link is busted. You’ll probably have to try the UK site. What a wonderful start to the merger…

This is Nunzio from Comcast…

So I got my call from “the local leadership” this afternoon. His name was Sid and we had a nice long talk about things. Apparently Melissa and Sid went over all of my emails and my previous Comcast blurb (Guido part 1) before he got in contact with me. They get points for being thorough. The wonderful thing about that is that he already knew what my issues were and had time to review my service and some options so we didn’t waste all that tedious time rehashing everything I’ve already talked about.

I didn’t know this right up front, of course. So I asked him to summarize what he knew about the situation already. He was surprisingly accurate. I mean accurate to the point that I was wondering if maybe I should check all of my systems for signs of tampering or monitoring. Okay, not really but I was highly impressed. He even took the initiative to take the stations I listed and compared them to the current packaging plans. Guess what…with all of the changes they’ve made in my area, I did not know that the stations I watched were all available in a lower priced plan now.

Of course that isn’t anything to be shocked over. They have eleventy billion customers and there’s no way they could make sure everyone single one of them was aware of how every plan shift affects their needs. I’m not really upset about that; I’m happy that he spotted it. So we talked about the ways we could change what I have to lower my bill but still let me have all the service I want. I didn’t get all my HD and DVR goodness for $30 a month, but we did manage to cut my overall bill for cable and internet by about $50. That’s nothing to sneeze at. So I agreed to keep my Comcast cable television service just a bit longer to see how that works out.

One thing I did enjoy was that he seemed very interested in my idea of a-la-carte packaging. We actually developed it a bit further into an idea that would have fewer hurdles to overcome than a 100% a-la-carte service. Try this idea: Have a small basic package (local channels and whatnot) with add-on options of semi-premium channels. This isn’t quite like the HBO or Cinemax add-on, though I suppose it could be done that way. But the idea is you get the basic package for say $10 a month. Then you add Sci-Fi for $1.45 a month and maybe even a group like HGTV, DIY, and Food Network for $2.30 a month. This way you don’t pay for the unholy legion of channels you never use and have no interest in, your bill is smaller, and the networks you dislike aren’t making money off your service. Win-Win-Win…oh…and Win because such a move would position Comcast at the forefront of the next iteration of cable service. They would be offering the iPod of cable television.

(Begin idea to rant transition…but before I do…I just want to say thanks again to Sid and Melissa ^_^ )

Of course if they aren’t careful, FIOS or U-verse may snatch up the idea and steal what could be a revolutionary move in the old industry. Time moves on and things have to evolve. Digital instead of analog isn’t really the leap forward I mean, either. That’s just a style of delivery. The entire service is due for an overhaul because the times have been changed enough by the internet and daring start-ups…so much so that people now expect to have granular choices. Look at iTunes. I no longer have to buy an entire crap CD for one song that is good. I can just get that song and leave the crap out of my library. I can get one disc of a TV series from Netflix if there is only one or two episodes I want to see. I don’t have to go out and buy the entire thing.

Everyone else seems to get it Mr. Cable Industry. When are you?

Why Customer Service isn’t.

I’ve used Vonage as my home phone service for a couple of years now. They’ve been great. I only had one issue and that was back in February 2006 when I first switched and they were able to take care of the problem in a matter of moments. So the service has been wonderful. However, I use my cell phone exclusively now. As a matter of fact, the cordless phone I have connected to my Vonage router has been dead for about 4 or 5 months now. I just don’t use it any more. So why pay the $30 a month?

Thus I attempted to call Vonage last night to cancel this service. I am greeted with an obtuse voice menu. After fumbling through the different menu levels for a couple of minutes I finally find the place where I can cancel my account. The nice recording transfers me over to the department that deals with that…and I get a message with the office’s hours and a request to call back during normal operating hours. Nice.

So I call back today. This time I navigate the menu deftly and get a real person on the phone. He asks me for my name and phone number which I provide. He asks for permission to call me by my first name. Then he asks for my PIN. I don’t have a PIN. He looks at something and tells me that it was generated by their computer. I suggest they ask their computer what it is then because I don’t have it. So he asks me the security question on my account. Apparently I don’t know what my all time favorite movie is. (The Princess Bride for those that are curious.) So he asks some account details and finally concedes that I am actually me. Wonderful.

At this point he asks what it is that I want. I tell him that I want to cancel my account. I was actually surprised because he asked one or two basic questions and didn’t give me some big customer retention spiel that reeked of having been written by a used car salesman in an orange checkered suit. It really looked like I was finally dealing with a company that understood. Of course, he did ask why and I told him that the service was great and I would recommend it to my friends…I just don’t use it personally any more. Nothing more was asked to my further surprise. And then he hit me with it…”I just need to transfer you to another department to finalize the account cancellation. Please hold.”

I listen to hold music and some lady that is way too happy about what Vonage can do for phone service. Eventually a real person picks up. She asks me for my name and phone number which I provide. She asks for permission to call me by my first name. Then she asks for my PIN. Sound familiar? Yep. Apparently they have to verify your identity after putting you on hold. I can only assume that this is because of the threat of being abducted by aliens and replaced with a doppelganger while on hold. There must be some sort of epidemic like this going around. And of course we cannot have alien doppelgangers randomly canceling Vonage phone accounts. The impact of such a thing could throw the entire world into chaos and destruction.

So I go through all of the questions again. Finally she asks what I am calling for. Do these people not bother to forward information when they transfer a call? I understand the need to have in house verification done. I have no problem telling a second person “Yes, I did request to close my account and here’s why…” That’s fine. But don’t make me go through all the identification hoops repeatedly and start completely over every single time I’m put on freaking hold. But wait…it gets better. This lady is the passive aggressive customer retention ninja.

She makes an offer to give me a discount on the service. I decline. I even repeat my reason of not using the service. She replies with “I understand.” Then she offers me a free month. I decline. I reiterate that I only want to cancel the service. “I understand.” Another offer with a bigger discount for a longer period of time. I-

At this point I have to mention that I have been fairly patient even though I am a little irritated at having to start this whole process over after being transferred. Now…buckle your seatbelts kids…

“Lady, I really just want to cancel my account. I will not pay for a service I do not use anymore. I do not want a discount. I do not want a free month. I want this account closed. I want it done right now without any more delays or offers. If you think that might be too hard for you, put me through to your manager so I can get them to do it. And do so without putting me on hold because I am not going to start this whole story over because you guys think I might not be the same guy you talked to 15 seconds ago when you pressed the hold button.”

I know it sounds like I was being a real dick. And you’d be right. I was. But I figure after having proven my identity twice and telling the entire story twice and asking for this one thing over 8 times…I was entitled. Especially since she kept responding with that same phrase of “I understand.” She obviously did not understand because she kept making offers. I cannot abide stupidity. If the guy tells you that the only phone he has hooked up is a cordless and that the battery has been dead for 4 months because he doesn’t use the service…you aren’t going to convince him to stay. Just give it a rest and fulfill the damned request.

She did finally cancel my account. Then she asked if she could “help” me with anything else. Those quotes are not a sexual reference. I don’t really consider what she did help. Anyway, I managed to politely decline the offer and thank her for her efforts. Then I hung up while she was talking. I had to protect her because she sounded like she was about to make one last offer. If I had stayed on the phone for that, I probably would have gone Sam Kinison on her and that’d just be mean.

Which leaves me to ask…what the hell is wrong with you people that make corporate decisions? When I called to cancel my account it was simply a step to save money while I tried to get some debt paid off. I fully intended to get the service back if I ever wanted a home phone again. But after that experience, Vonage, you can kiss my backside. I don’t deal with companies that refuse to fulfill a simple request without 30 minutes of arguing about it on the phone. You can keep your service. I’ll be using something more along the lines of Skype when I decide to hit up land lines again. Put that in your peace pipe and smoke it.